OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
