I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
