dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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