if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
