Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
