i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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