I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
