My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
