I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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