Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
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Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
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Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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