I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
