3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
