There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
