Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
