I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
