it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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