Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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