I look better un-naked...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
