You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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