it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have feelings that need drinking.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
