we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
