Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This house was built for laser tag.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
