The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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