Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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