If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
