Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
