I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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