my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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