Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so let's talk penis.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
