My liver just broke up with me...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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