Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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