I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
