I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
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Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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