through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
