my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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