First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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