Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
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I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize