listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
