you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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