he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
