My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
