So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
