How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
