My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
