I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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