tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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