highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Four minutes until I can fart!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
