I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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