I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This show inspires me to have sex in space
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
