I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
