my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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