There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So much rum. So many feels.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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