I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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