my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
