Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
